


Banned Book Month

by Zanganito



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics)
Genre: Bad Parent Talia al Ghul, Books, Community: dckinkmeme, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Siblings, Training
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:07:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26096848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zanganito/pseuds/Zanganito
Summary: For banned book month, Damian decides to read a fictionalized account of the daily lives of Batman and Robin.  However, he has many complaints about the accuracy of the book.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne
Comments: 4
Kudos: 104





	Banned Book Month

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the DC Kink Meme prompt here: https://dckinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/766.html?thread=1509886#cmt1509886

Damian was seated on the couch, engrossed in a book with a colorful red and yellow cover, though he was frowning and muttering to himself as he read. The title was all in block letters: **Batman and Robin: A Fictionalized Account of the Daily Lives of the Dynamic Duo.**

“Batman and Robin, huh? When they’d come out with that?” Dick asked, sliding over the top of the couch to sit next to Damian.

Damian scowled and lowered the book. “It is an assignment for school,” Damian informed him, his tone letting Dick know exactly what Damian thought of having something lowly as an assignment foisted upon him. “For banned book month, we all had the option to choose one book from the list and write a report, and later this week the class will also have a discussion on the merits and pitfalls of censorship based on what we’ve learned.”

“Ah, I see,” Dick said. “So wait, this book was banned? Why?” Dick asked. He felt vaguely guilty about entirely missing a book based off of Batman and Robin, and missing the fact that it was banned, even if he didn’t really read fiction that often.

Damian sniffed. “The listed reason was that the book was clearly written to appeal to children, and parents thought that it was far too violent and vulgar of a book to be appropriate.”

“I…see,” Dick said. “What do you think?”

“The violence is certainly not excessive,” Damian said with a frown. “It is a known fact that Gotham villains kill and maim people, I see no point in banning the book for this reason. Instead, I believe it should have been banned for an insipid, clearly derivative plot, and an obnoxiously annoying main character.”

Dick punched Damian lightly in the arm. “Aww, I’m sure it’s not that bad, little D. It’s probably just someone wanting to have a little fun, imagine what they think it might be like to work with Batman.”

“Very well, Grayson, if you do not believe it is that bad, I will explain the plot in detail.”

Dick took a quick picture of the cover, and sent it to Tim, Steph, and Jason. “How about we have the rest of the family join in the fun? I could take pictures of a few of the passages you dislike and send it to the others to see what they think.”

Damian shrugged. “I am almost certain they will find it as insipid as I did.” Damian flipped through the pages. “I will not bore you with Robin’s uninspired origin story, but Johnny is an orphan who grows up on the streets of Gotham, not even knowing his own last name. The orphanage he lives at is a front for criminal activity, and he is forced into stealing for them, until one day Batman breaks up the criminal empire and finds new homes for all the children. Clearly the author enjoyed Oliver Twist, but I was not amused.”

“Huh,” Dick said, wondering if that was really why the plot sounded so familiar. “I only watched the Disney version of Oliver Twist, with the cats and dogs.”

Damian gave Dick a scrutinizing look. “Obviously Grandfather required that I be familiar with classic literature, but I think the version of Oliver Twist with the animals was superior.”

“Good to know I’m not missing anything,” Dick joked.

“However, back to Batman and Robin, the story only gets worse from there,” Damian stated. “Johnny gets taken in by a kind older couple, but he wants to find and train with Batman, to thank him for what he did. Imagine, the only experience he has is stealing for the gang he used to live with, and now he thinks he is worthy to train as Batman’s sidekick.”

“Well, a lot of fiction is wish-fulfillment, it’s not meant to be realistic,” Dick said, checking his phone to see that both Tim and Steph had responded with laughing emojis, and Jason was suspiciously silent.

Damian rolled his eyes. “How typical that you would assume the best, Grayson,” he said, though his voice had a hint of fondness in it. “Anyway, after Johnny gets taken in by the nice older couple, Bob and Marta Payne, Johnny finds that their adult son, Stewart Payne is into martial arts, and starts training with him. It then takes a boring three chapters of training until Johnny is even ready to track down Batman and start training to be his sidekick. And the training is incredibly soft and unrealistic. Johnny never has to miss a meal if he fails at training.”

“Wait, did Talia ever not feed you because you didn’t train well?” Dick sputtered, forgetting the book for a moment, as the image of a tiny little baby Damian going hungry filled his mind.

“It is a common training technique, Grayson, don’t look so shocked,” Damian grumbled. “Besides, I was always so exemplary that I rarely had to go hungry.”

Dick filed that fact away as something to bring up with Bruce and the others later. “So, uh, it’s common in martial arts films for the main character to have a hard time when he first starts out, Dami,” he explained. “It makes things more relatable for the audience.” There was still something nagging at the back of Dick’s mind, the plot seemed way too familiar, and he frowned, trying to think of what it reminded him of. Karate Kid had a character named Johnny, maybe that was it.

“I see,” Damian sniffed. “I suppose you are right. Most people such as Drake are so incompetent that they would find a lengthy description of Johnny mastering the most basic of techniques fascinating. He’s not flexible at all, and can barely perform a single flip when they start.”

“Don’t forget, I helped train Tim, he knows more than you give him credit for,” Dick reminded Damian before turning back to the book. “So Johnny and Stewart train together?” Dick asked. “Who is the author again?”

“The author is R. Peterson, an obvious penname, I already tried googling him and found nothing besides the book. Clearly he was rightly ashamed of having written such an insult to literature,” Damian said, choosing to ignore Dick’s comment about training Tim. “And yes, Stuart and Johnny train together, I’ll find you one of the absurd excerpts.”

Dick narrowed his eyes and sent a quick text to Jason. _Did you write this!!!????_

“It is also fairly obvious that Stewart is Batman, but I haven’t gotten that far in the book yet,” Damian continued. “Here, check out this part where Stewart teaches Johnny how to train by punching a log.”

_Johnny winced at the soreness in his legs as he stretched outside, but he didn’t complain. He didn’t want Stewart to think he wasn’t ready, or to go easy on him. Yeah, he’d rather stay inside and play video games or read a book today, but if he ever wanted to be any good, good enough to train with Batman, he had to at least master everything Stewart knew. Johnny gulped and straightened as Stewart arrived with the day’s training activity. “A log?” he asked, “What are we going to do, chop wood for Bob and Marta?”_

_Stewart laughed. “No, it’s a punching target. It’ll help you develop more force behind your blows, and the bark and rough edges will help the skin on your hands toughen up over time. Don’t overdo it today though, if you injure yourself too much, it might take a while for you to heal.”_

_Johnny nodded in agreement. But still, he trained until his knuckles bled, and spent the evening picking splinters out of his wounds._

“See?” Damian concluded. “Whoever wrote this is clearly pandering to an audience that would sympathize with weakling Johnny.”

Dick took a picture of the passage and sent it to the batchat group text. “Most people don’t train that hard, Dami,” he explained. “It shows the audience how determined Johnny is.”

Damian ignored Dick and continued. “It gets worse when he finally starts patrolling with Batman as Robin. Johnny spends most of his time saving kittens stuck in trees and helping little old ladies find their purses.”

“Hey, now, that actually sounds pretty accurate,” Dick teased. “Didn’t you save a kitten that was stuck in a tree last week?”

Damian blushed and sputtered. “That was different. I rescued that kitten during a break between capturing dangerous criminals. It wasn’t the only thing I did.”

Dick’s phone pinged with multiple excited messages from Steph and Tim. There was still no response from Jason, which pretty much proved he’d written it in Dick’s mind. “How about we finish reading the rest of it together?” he suggested. “I think we both know the author, and we can tease him about it later.” There was nothing quite so fulfilling as annoying a younger sibling.

“We know the author?” Damian asked. “Is it Drake?”

“I’ll tell you after we finish the book,” Dick said, scooting closer to Damian on the couch. He fully intended to buy his own copy later, and highlight all the best passages to read out loud to the rest of the family. And maybe once Jason got over being annoyed and embarrassed, he’d agree to sign it.


End file.
